Sailor's Birth Story

During my 3rd trimester I would always get really strong Braxton Hicks like clock work starting around 5pm. All through dinner, kids bedtime routine and when I would lay in bed they would be really strong! However, on the morning of Monday, July 29th I had them right when I woke up in the morning.

I had mentioned to Sean that I had some really strong Braxton Hicks going on while we were feeding the kids breakfast and getting Harbor ready for school. He even said, "Huh really? You usually just have them at night." Sean brought Harbor to school that morning and then he headed to his carpet jobs for the day. It was a really nice, warm, sunny day so Cove and I spent most of our morning and afternoon in the backyard. I just felt SO tired and didn't feel hungry. I tried to lay down and relax outside while Cove played (HA like that's even possible taking care of a toddler!)

I put Cove down for his nap at around 1pm and I figured I should try to lay down and take a nap too since I really wasn't feeling 100% (I never nap but so glad I did!).  I dozed off on the couch and woke up to Harbor's daycare teacher calling me at about 2pm. She called me to tell me that Harbor wasn't feeling well and was throwing up at school :( I told her I would be there right away to pick her up. My poor Harbor. So I had to go wake Cove up from his nap (he is a cranky boy when he gets up from his naps, so I knew this was going to be fun) and hurried to get him into the van. While driving to Harbor's daycare the contractions were STRONG. I remember sitting at a red light and having to clench the steering wheel while another contraction came on. Okay, am I in labor? I started to watch the clock and sure enough they were coming around every 3-4 minutes. I called my mom and sister during the drive just to let them know what I was feeling and both of them were saying, "Ash call Sean!" It was almost as though I was in denial. I just couldn't wrap my mind around being in labor at that moment! I had to go pick up Harbor and make sure she was okay!

While I was walking into Harbor's daycare I had a contraction so strong that it stopped me in my tracks and I had to breathe through it. I picked up Harbor (poor girl just didn't look like she was feeling well at all) and I started heading home. I texted Sean saying that I was getting constant contractions and that he needed to come home. So now I had 2 crying toddlers in the van while driving home with painful contractions. Cove was crying because he was cranky from being woken up and Harbor was crying because she didn't want to leave school and she kept telling me she wanted "Bubbly" (sparkling water). I don't know why exactly, but I just pulled over to a gas station that was right on the corner and told the kids OKAY I will get you some bubbly! (again I think I was in denial and just wanted the kids to stop crying and I was a little bit in panic mode!) I literally thought my water was going to break while standing in line to check out. O.M.G these contractions are REAL.

Once we got home Cove wanted to be carried inside and Harbor was throwing up onto the floor as soon as we walked into the door. It was pretty chaotic. I just wanted Sean to get home!! I headed upstairs with the kids to put Harbor into the bath and then thank goodness Sean came through the door and took over. I went into our room and started a bath for myself to labor in. Sean told me that he called his parents to let them know that I was in labor and to start driving to Kelowna! (Sean's parents were at the family cabin which is 6 hours away and they were on standby for if I went into labor before my sister flew into town to be with Harbor and Cove!) I felt SUCH a relief when Sean told me that his parents were on their way to Kelowna and would be here in 6 hours!

Sean called one of our babysitters to ask if she could head over, but she didn't answer. He called the other babysitter and she didn't answer! I started to panic a bit. THIS was the exact scenario I had nightmares about!! I was so stressed out about when the moment came that I went into labor that we wouldn't be able to find someone to watch the kids! Sean stayed calm and I freaked out a bit and said to please call his aunt! Thank goodness Sean's aunt just happened to get off work and said that she could head over right away. One of our babysitters ended up calling us back soon after and said that she could head over right away as well. Phew. So in the end we had help on the way with the kids until Sean's parents arrived.

Then Sean called the midwife and she was going to be right over to check me. The midwife arrived and said I was between 3-4cm dilated and to go ahead and meet her at the hospital!

While saying goodbye to Harbor and Cove I could feel the emotions coming over me. I just felt like I didn't want to leave them. Especially with Harbor not feeling well it broke my heart to have to leave her. I deep down knew she would be okay though and was in good hands. Saying goodbye to your babies when the time comes to head to the hospital to bring a new baby into the world is just a very emotional moment.

(had to stop to breathe through a contraction while walking into the hospital)

We met my midwife in a labor + delivery room and it all just seemed so surreal. I always thought I would go into labor in the middle of the night like I did with my other two, not in the middle of the day! It was calm and bright in the room. I just wanted to stay relaxed. I changed into my robe, Sean turned on my music playlist and I labored in different positions. I had a lot of back labor and intense pain in my tailbone area. It was very painful to lay on the bed so I felt like sitting on the ball or being on my knees and hugging the back of the hospital bed felt best.

I had asked my midwife if I could start to use the laughing gas and of course she said yes. I really find this helps relax me a bit. It sure doesn't take the pain away, but it helps me focus on my deep breathing. She asked me what my thoughts were for an epidural. We had talked about this during my prenatal check ups that I wasn't opposed to getting an epidural, but that I wasn't 100% wanting one. I didn't have an epidural with Harbor or Cove, but they were both very long, difficult deliveries and both ended up having to be vacuumed out while I pushed. This time around I wanted a different experience. Now, I know NO delivery is easy and painless, but I just wanted this delivery to be more enjoyable?? I know that sounds kind of weird, but I truly just wanted to be able to enjoy the birthing process and not be in so much pain. Sean has always encouraged me to get an epidural. He made good points about how IF baby #3 got stuck and needed to be vacuumed out then it would be a good thing that I had an epidural. I guess in my mind I just thought I have done it twice now, I can do it again. However, I kept reminding myself how badly I wanted this to be a different experience so I said yes to trying the epidural.

(he's amazing support during labor & delivery)

I was so nervous.. I hate needles. I really tried not to think about the fact that a needle was getting put into my spine. It wasn't too bad though. Felt like a bee sting. I did it. It was over. Now PLEASE kick in and let me feel some relief!

After the epidural my midwife broke my water (my water has never broke on it's own during labor) and then I instantly felt the urge to push. My midwife explained to me there was meconium when she broke my water so would need the pediatrician in the room when baby is born. I knew this was common, but since I never experienced having meconium with my first two, I felt kind of nervous. I continued laboring on the ball and with every contraction I could feel baby girl getting lower and lower.

I started pushing while laying back in the hospital bed, tried to focus on the music playing in the background to relax and listened to my husband and midwife's encouragement. I couldn't continue breathing in the laughing gas once I started pushing (dang it) and I honestly was just waiting for the epidural to kick in because I could feel EVERYTHING still. I remember a nurse walking past my bed saying something about "Oh gosh need to start this".. and I am pretty sure it was the epidural. I don't know how giving the epidural meds work, buuuut I am pretty sure I just got the initial dosage and then it was just too late once they gave me the actual meds?! I'm sure I am not wording that correctly! But I gave birth to 2 babes with no epidural and know how it feels and this felt the exact same. Worst pain EVER.

I pushed for 30 MINUTES and baby girl was born! Sean was able to catch and help bring baby girl into the world. He has always wanted to do that, but with Harbor and Cove needing to be vacuumed out he wasn't able to. I think it's so amazing how involved Sean wanted to be with baby girl's delivery and literally helped pull her out when she was born. Sean placed baby girl onto my chest and that surreal, feeling of relief and joy came over me. She's here! The pediatrician came over to look at her right away and before I knew it she was taking her away. She needed to take a closer look at baby and brought her to the NICU. I felt so scared. I barely even got a glimpse of her! Is she okay?! Sean went to the NICU with baby and said he would come back to give me an update.

(We taped my labor + delivery with our GoPro. I'm so glad we taped all the kid's births so we can watch them!)

My midwife was so empowering. She kept saying, "YOU did it! YOU did that! 30 minutes of pushing! No vacuum needed!" I loved her. She's exactly who I needed during that delivery.

I'll never forget feeling a LOT of pain down there and asking my midwife if I tore :( I was scared to hear her answer. I could just feel where it was. She explained that I did, however it was just a first degree tear and shouldn't need a ton of stitches. Thank goodness! So while I was getting stitched up I had asked if I could breathe in the laughing gas again (clearly I wasn't feeling any relief from the epidural) so I tried to just focus on my breathing while that was going on. All I could think about was how baby girl was doing. 

Sean popped back into the room to let me know that baby girl was okay and doing well! He said that she had swallowed some meconium so the pediatrician needed to suction it out of baby and her oxygen levels were lower than they should have been so she was given oxygen, but was breathing fine now and will be back in my arms soon! Thank God!

Once baby was back in my arms I was so in love. I felt so thankful. She was perfect. A new place in my heart was filled.

We were moved to a postpartum room shortly after. While being wheeled to the new room the nurses rang the "new baby" charm that rang over the speakers and the bridge outside lit up pink! I think that's so sweet that they do that when a baby is born.

We were in the hospital for a quick 24 hours and then headed home! Sean and I were so excited for Sailor to meet her big sister and brother at home!

Sailor Rae Murphy thank you for choosing me to be your mama.
I love you more than you'll ever know.

xo

PECS

I had talked to Harbor's speech therapist about starting to use PECS for Harbor (this is back when she was completely non verbal) and I started looking into them more since I had no idea how it really worked. What I DID know, is that I wanted to try everything and anything to help her communicate with us and be able to tell us what she wanted. A lot of Harbor's frustration and meltdowns were due to her not being able to communicate with us and tell us what she wanted/needed.

PECS 

Picture Exchange Communication System

PECS allows people with little or no communication abilities to communicate using pictures. By using PECS it helps the individual initiate communication, use eye contact, request something and practice saying the word of the picture. 

My biggest concern with starting to use PECS was if it would actually make Harbor NOT use her words and make her rely on PECS instead of using her words and trying to talk. Her speech therapist explained that it's actually the complete opposite! Using PECS would help Harbor with her development of spoken language. It's easier to just say the word (once she can) than to go find the picture and hand it to someone. Which makes sense!

I was told how some children might take a while to learn and understand how PECS work and some may only be able to make sense of PECS that are actual pictures of their actual items (ex: a picture of their own bed, a picture of their own backpack) but Harbor seemed to be able to understand pictures that weren't HER own things (ex: a picture of drawn blue shoes) and she understood they were shoes. So we skipped taking photos of everything (it's very time consuming!) and I searched online for a place to order PECS from.

I found a store on Etsy called Smile4Autism and felt like it was exactly what I was looking for! Here's a link to the shop: https://www.etsy.com/ca/shop/Smile4Autism?ref=search_shop_redirect

I wanted to dive right in and get started so I ordered the binder that had organized tabs and 156 PECS. 

I also ordered the Daily Schedule

Along with the binder of PECS came with a removable velcro strip that is great for allowing Harbor to form sentences on and make requests while handing me the strip...

At around the same time of receiving the PECS in the mail was when Harbor also started making HUGE progress with her speech! I really do believe using the PECS though helped her even more! Harbor has learned to say new words as well as how to say, "I want ___ ". Which is HUGE! 

I would say the Daily Schedule has made a big difference in our daily routine as well! Harbor (and Cove) really enjoy seeing what is on the "chart", completing the task and then removing the picture and placing it into the "All Done" bin. Harbor gets excited to go see what's next on the chart and seems to really help our morning and night routine go more smoothly. Now this Daily Schedule chart isn't just for children with autism. It can be used for ALL children and is a great visual guide! All children like to know what is going to happen next and not be caught off guard by the unknown. So I really do highly recommend a Daily Schedule for all toddlers!!

 Our very first "trip" away was really hard on Harbor and when we returned home she went regressed. Her separation anxiety was through the roof, her behavior and meltdowns got worse and she showed a lot of sign of just overall stress. So with our trip to Mexico coming up in 6 weeks I was REALLY nervous about how Harbor would respond. I wanted to make sure we did more in prepping her for us to be leaving for a week and grandma and grandpa coming to stay with her and her brother.

Harbor's Behavior Interventionist (BI) created a Social Story with using real life pictures to create a story about Harbor's mom and dad leaving on vacation, grandma and grandpa coming to stay at Harbor's house and then mom and dad returning home! We started to read this Social Story to her every night before bed a little over a week before we were going to be leaving on our trip. I couldn't tell if she actually understood the story, but we kept reading it to her and she liked it!

We also had her BI create a calendar with pictures on it to show Harbor the day that grandma and grandpa arrived, the day mom and dad left on an airplane, the days she went to school, the days she had soccer practice and the day that mom and dad came home! It was a great visual schedule so she could SEE what was actually happening everyday. While we were on our trip grandma and Harbor would look at the calendar every morning and night and cross off the days that passed. I didn't get a picture of the calendar unfortunately to share, but it was a very simple, large calendar of the month of May and had the pictures printed on each day.We will continue to use PECS with Harbor and hopefully we will one day get to the point that we don't need to, but until then we have been finding a lot of success with them! If any mamas have any questions please feel free to reach out to me. I hope this helps!                                                                                                                                                         xo Ashley

Harbor Amelia Part 2

On our way to Harbor's assessment we kept positive vibes and didn't want our nerves to get to us so Harbor wouldn't feel it. We played some of Harbor's favorite songs during our drive and Harbor kicked her legs with joy and looked out the window. When we arrived my heart started racing. While walking into the building Sean and I held Harbor's hands, counted to 3 and swung her into the air as we walked. (We wanted to keep her mind off the fact that we were walking into this business building and her not get freaked out.) It was working! 

Once we walked in the Psychiatrist greated us and lead us to a room that was filled with toys. We started to show Harbor some toys to get her interested in playing. The room had a one way viewing window with a little room on the other side where Sean went to sit in and watched the assessment.  The Psychiatrist explained she would like just one of us in the room with Harbor for less distraction. I sat in a chair along the side of the room and only was involved in the assessment if Harbor came to me to interact. The assessment consisted of different evaluations and the Psychiatrist took notes and filled out her forms as she interacted with Harbor. Harbor did great! She wasn't nervous at all. She played very well and listened to the instructions. It was very interesting to see the different activities the doctor wanted Harbor to do. From putting coins into a piggy bank, throwing balls, blowing bubbles, having a tea party, pointing out objects in books, listening to two, three step commands and playing with play-doh. The assessment with Harbor was about an hour and a half long. While watching Harbor interact with the doctor I felt so relieved that she was being herself, not nervous, or freak out and spin into a meltdown. I was just really nervous they wouldn't be able to get a good reading of Harbor.

Then Sean and I went into the Psychiatrist's office for an interview while a staff member stayed in the assessment room and played with Harbor. Our interview was almost an hour long. We started from the very beginning talking about my pregnancy with Harbor, my delivery, any complications after birth, when we started to notice red flags and felt concerned, the progress Harbor has made in the last few months and just about every little detail of Harbor's likes, dislikes and behavior. The Psychiatrist took notes on her laptop as Sean and I talked and would ask us more detailed questions.

At the end of our interview she said she would like about 30 minutes to review all of her notes and then will meet with us to discuss the results.

We walked to a near by coffee shop, grabbed a coffee and Harbor a treat. We both felt satisfied with the assessment and were so proud of Harbor and how well she did! I told Sean that I felt relieved it was over, but now felt nervous to go hear the results. I felt nervous like I was going to go hear the results for a big test! I deep down in my gut knew what we were going to be told, but then I would find myself thinking about how well she did during the assessment, how well she interacted with the doctor and how well she listened to instructions. It was like a back and forth game in my head (and has been since Harbor was 18 months old) that maybe she does show signs of autism.. but gosh she is so smart and GETS it. She is just a busy toddler! The ping pong mind game just needed to end.

We went back into the assessment room so Harbor could play while we talked with the Psychiatrist about her results. She began reading off all of the things Harbor shows "typical" scoring for and then listed all of the things that she was "below average". Honestly I don't remember everything she said. I was too nervous. But she said a sentence like, "Harbor does fall on the Autism spectrum." And my heart stopped. I remember in that moment just having SO much rushing through my mind. 

Okay.

We have an answer.

It's going to be okay.

Harbor will be okay.

We can now get her the help she needs.

I didn't tear up. Sean and I knew deep down this is what we were going to be told. I would have been MORE shocked at this point if the Psychiatrist would have told me Harbor was NOT on the spectrum. But deep down that's what I wanted to hear. No parent wants to hear there is something "wrong" with your child. Or have them be given a title.

The doctor then started handing us a lot of paperwork and forms. A LOT. She started to explain our next step, how we will receive a detailed assessment evaluation summary in the mail in a couple of weeks, how to register for Autism Funding, where to find out which therapy providers were available in our area and lots of information to read about autism.

OVERWHELMING. That's what it was.

It's like this new gate opened and we have to hit the ground running. And that's exactly what I did. I wasn't waiting a minute to get everything started for Harbor. I felt like so much time had already been wasted. I started researching, looking up providers, filling out forms, setting up an appointment for registering her for the Autism Funding that BC provides for families (which is HUGE and such a blessing).

Within 2 weeks we had Harbor's funding applied for and in process, weekly speech therapy appointments scheduled, Harbor's first Occupational Therapy appointment scheduled, a meeting set up to talk with a Behavior Consultant and Behavior Interventionists and I discovered a lady that lived in our city who was a huge advocate for families living with autism. She sends out emails with information about autism and local autism programs in the community.

After our first appointment with Harbor's Behavior Consultant and Behavior Interventionists I cried. For the first time ever I felt relieved. I felt like Harbor now had this amazing team behind her. I felt like Sean and I didn't have to figure it all out on our own. I didn't have to sit on Google for hours. I had actual people to talk to and ask questions to who KNEW and understood my child. I can't even explain what that feels like. Things are happening.

We now have a plan for our babydoll. We know what we are focusing on and what she needs for support. I'm not going to lie, the unknown still kills me. We just have to give her the best support possible to help her succeed in life.

They say once you've met one person with autism, you've met one person with autism.

Everyone is unique. Everyone shows different signs. 

There are many different symptoms for autism:

Very little or no eye contact                    
May not respond to their name being called

Toe walking/awkward movements        
Head banging, hand flapping, rocking

Picky eating                                          
Odd behaviors/repetitive behaviors

Lining up objects or toys                        
Interacting with the same object or toy over and over again

Speech delay                                          
Pressure seeking or avoiding 

Lack of interest in others                        
High energy- goes from one thing to another

Delays in gross and fine motor skills    
Sleeping issues

Over/under response to sensory input    
Inappropriate responses to unexpected change in routine

That's just to name a few signs of autism.

https://www.autismspeaks.org/what-are-symptoms-autism

For Harbor her autistic characteristics were/are:

Lack of eye contact              

Speech delay/regression 

Picky eater                            

Stimming- humming. Harbor has always hummed while she eats.

Under response to sensory input- could fall and scrape her knees and show no reaction. Very high pain tolerance.

Movement seeking- the faster, higher, more movement the better. Her body seeks movement.

Tip toe walking

Sometimes responds when her name is being called

Some odd movements with her hands

Some meltdowns due to change in routine

Chewing- Sensory seeking of chewing on something. You may notice Harbor often has a necklace on (Chewlery) which is jewelry made to chew on.

We now have the help and resources to help Harbor with these behaviors. Our schedules are very busy between Sean's work shifts, my work shifts and Harbor's schedule.

Mon, Wed, Fri - Daycare 

Harbor has a BI (Behavior Interventionist) that assists her for a few hours at daycare to help her with her goals. From sitting at the table with friends during lunch to interacting with her friends and sharing toys.

Tues + Thurs- Activity 

Harbor was in swimming lessons, but we are now going to enrol her into another activity to keep her busy and having fun! She's a busy girl and needs movement.

Tuesdays- Speech Therapy 

Working on speech (obviously) but also finding what works for Harbor to communicate with us as she is non-verbal. We are starting to use PECS (Picture Exchange Communication System) so she can tell us what she wants/is trying to tell us using pictures.

Wednesday- Occupational Therapy 

Working on her picky eating and ways to get her comfortable with trying new foods as well as sitting still at the table to eat. We also work on Harbor's sensory issues (humming, chewing, seeking movement and interaction with others)

We are all learning as we go, that's for sure. I learn something new every therapy appointment. After some appointments I do find myself feeling overwhelmed with all the information and what we are supposed to focus on for the week, but it feels great to have Harbor on the path she needs to be on.

One fellow autistic mom I follow on Instagram wrote a sentence that I really loved and hit me hard..

"We make them succeed."

It's so true. I will do everything in my power to help Harbor succeed. I will research for more answers and resources. Being in denial will only hurt her and hold her back from the help she needs. It's hard to accept and still scary to me, but I have to be strong for my daughter. It's our job as a parent. We will give her the therapy she needs. We will push her out of her comfort zone to reach her goals. And we will support her with love and strength through it all.

She will succeed.

If you see signs of autism or any red flags from your child my biggest advice to you would be, don't wait. Early intervention is best. If you (or maybe others) have questioned your child being on the spectrum have them be assessed. There is only GOOD that will come from being assessed. So maybe your child doesn't end up being diagnosed with ASD.. you can still find other answers to the questionable symptoms that brought you in for the assessment. But, if they do end up being diagnosed with autism or any other diagnosis then you can now be given the resources and support your child needs to succeed.

xo Ashley

Harbor Amelia Part 1

This is going to be a post that I have been wanting to write for a very long time now. I enjoy blogging and sharing my life with others. I think social media and blogging are an absolutely amazing thing. It allows us to be able to connect with people from all over the world. It allows us to read about others going through a situation in life and know that we are not alone. I follow so many amazing bloggers who I connect with in so many ways and it allows me to learn things from them and communicate with someone who might be going through the same things in life. And my life are my kids. So in order to share my life story with you I want to share about my babies.

So this post is all about my babydoll, Harbor Amelia.

Harbor turned 3 years old on November 5th, 2018.

She is always full of energy. She wakes up and hits the ground running!

She gives the BEST hugs in the world. Big tight hugs.

She is very smart and remembers every little detail.

She loves music.

She loves watching her favorite movie or show snuggled on the couch with a blanket.

She loves to color, play with play-doh, play peek-a-boo and looking out the car window to point out horses.

She loves running up and down the hallway with her baby brother while laughing and giggling.

She loves to pick out what she wears for the day. Her favorite are pretty dresses.

She loves to go swimming. She is a really good swimmer!

She loves going to parks and going down the biggest slide.

She loves to help cook. She's going to be an amazing cook like her Dada.

I really could go on and on about all of the amazing things about my little girl.

Harbor is a very bright, intelligent, kind, fun little girl.

Harbor is my world and in the past 3 years she has taught me more than I would have even expected a child could teach a mother. She has made me think differently. View things in different ways. And has taught me to be more patient and not judge. 

On September 6th, 2018 Harbor received an Autism Spectrum Disorder diagnosis.

Let me go back a bit and share our journey with you as the days lead up to her assessment on September 6th.

I would like everyone to know why I feel the need to share this post.

When we were in beginning stage of wondering, having a gut feeling but wasn't sure what it was, didn't know who to talk to, didn't know what the next step would be, didn't know how to feel about everything... I had no one to talk to. I had no one to ask questions and just felt lost. I am writing this because I want to be open and share my experience with having a child diagnosed with Autism. I want other moms to feel comfortable to reach out to me whether it be to ask questions, chat or vent.

My other reason for sharing this post is because I want people to understand Harbor. Understand the person that she is. There is nothing to be ashamed of and no reason to hold anything back. If I can help bring awareness about Autism to others with this post than I feel like I have done a bit of my job as a mother. 

I had a "normal" pregnancy with Harbor. I did go into preterm labor at 36 weeks, but the labor was able to be stopped and I ended up delivery Harbor 2 days after my due date on November 5th, 2015.

My labor and delivery was a VERY long, painful and difficult one, (you can read more about Harbor's birth HERE) but she was born healthy! 9lb 6oz perfect baby girl.

Harbor was developing and hitting milestones like any other "typical" child. She started walking at 9 months old (pretty much went straight to running). She was a great eater. I remember when we would go out for dinner with her we would order her plain chicken breasts because she loved it so much! She was always off the charts for both height and weight. She was a great sleeper. She started sleeping through the night around 4 months old.

Harbor has always been very busy. Just always on the go. Non stop. We had her in swimming lessons at 4 months old, gymnastics at 9 months old and music class at 1 years old. She just has always liked to keep busy!

She said her first word (dada) around 6 months old and started to say more words. We never felt worried or concerned. At Harbor's 15 month doctor check up (or sometime close to that age) I remember the doctor asking if she could say between 5-10 words and we said no. I didn't feel worried though. I always would say, "I think she's just too busy to focus on talking!"

It wasn't until Harbor was around 18 months old that Sean and I saw some red flags and felt concerned. Harbor at one point was saying multiple words. Hi, bye, mama, dada, rocks, more, there.. but then she stopped saying them. She at one point was waving, pointing and dancing.. but then she stopped doing them. The doctor said that she would like to keep an eye on Harbor's speech and to also do a hearing test. I knew Harbor didn't have any issues with hearing, but I knew we needed to take the hearing test to rule things out. She passed. We put Harbor on the waitlist for Speech Therapy. The waitlist in the small town we were living in at the time was over a year and a half wait time! It was insane.

I knew deep down in my gut I needed to start looking into everything more. I saw a regression in Harbor and I didn't want to wait to see our doctor in a month for her to tell us that Harbor should be saying more words by then. Now, I KNOW Google can be bad. I KNOW there are just some things you shouldn't Google, but I Googled non stop. I remember putting the kids to sleep and then sitting in bed Googling until 3am. I started to read more and more articles and links that just clicked with me and made me think, "Yes, that's Harbor. Yes, Harbor does that." I remember reading about Autism and thinking to myself, "Well no. She isn't autistic." I really just thought she had ADHD. But I kept digging. I came across a YouTube video that a mom posted about her son's Autism diagnosis and I remember just bawling my eyes out watching it. I just felt like her son and Harbor had a lot of things in common.  I felt so scared. Reading the "signs of Autism" made my eyes water and my mind race. I had no clue. I will be completely honest with you. I didn't even know what Autism was. I knew it was a disorder. I had seen the commercials for "Autism Speaks", but I didn't know what it was. It felt as though in one of my nights of doing digging, Autism hit me square in the face. The word Autism meant something completely different to me. It had become my new focus in life. It was now my focus to find the answers for my daughter and IF Autism was indeed what she had.

We had another doctors appointment for Harbor's 2 year check up (November 2017) and I knew going into the appointment that she was going to ask if Harbor was saying anymore words and we would say no. I dreaded it. It made me feel nervous and a bit of a failure as a parent. We discussed looking into everything further with Harbor and I requested to see a pediatrician in Vancouver. Later that week our doctor called us to tell us Harbor's bloodwork came back normal and I remember telling her on the phone that I have been doing a lot of research about Autism and that I was very scared that is what we are looking at for Harbor. I will never forget what her response was. She said, "Ashley, that was one of my concerns as well. I think you should talk the pediatrician about your concerns and about why you feel as though Autism is what you are concerned about. Ashley, Harbor is a beautiful healthy little girl. She is going to be just fine." I cried my eyes out. I could barely catch my breath talking to her.

That night after Sean and I put the kids to bed we had a deep conversation. I told him everything I had read about Autism (he knew I had been researching like crazy), and about why I felt as though it is what she had. We also talked about why we DIDN'T think she was autistic. We paced our room, sat on the bed, held each other and cried, worried about the future together, talked about what we feared for Harbor and barely slept that night. It was almost as though we grieved that night. The next day wasn't any easier. I would break down crying randomly and just felt so scared. It was as though we were having to come to terms with the diagnosis before she even received the diagnosis.

We had our first pediatrician appointment in Vancouver in the beginning of February 2018. We flew to Vancouver for the day with the kids (very early morning and a very late night). Sean and I had wrote out a list of our concerns for Harbor. We knew that during the appointment we might miss something so we wanted to make sure and write everything down ahead of time. During the appointment we were in a tiny little doctors office and Harbor (and Cove) played with toys as we talked with the pediatrician. I remember just feeling nervous. Like it was a test and I wanted to pass it SO bad. We went over everything; our concerns, what Harbor can do, what she can't do, her now picky eating habits, her regression she had, her bowel movements, our family history and what the next step was. I told the pediatrician about all of my researching and that we were concerned Harbor had Autism. I'll never forget her response. She looked me in the eyes and said, "I think you are right. I think that is what we are looking at." My heart just sunk. That was the first time a doctor (or anyone in that matter) looked me in the eyes and agreed with me that she thinks that Harbor falls on the spectrum for Autism. My eyes filled with tears and honestly what she said after that was a blur. Sean and I had SO many questions. It was like the door opened and everything came flooding in. She gave us a lot of information and explained the next step of Harbor having an Autism assessment. Sean and I got back into the car after the appointment and we were speechless. Just so much running through our minds. It was almost as though I knew this was how the appointment was going to go, but didn't want it to.

The next few weeks after the pediatrician appointment I made a lot of phone calls. We placed Harbor on the waitlist for the Autism Assessment (in British Columbia it is covered by the government which comes with a big wait list OR you can pay thousands of dollars to do a private assessment. If a child is under the age of 3 the child can get bumped more to the top of the list).

We waited. And waited. And the time passing killed me. During this time of waiting Sean received the phone call we had been waiting for about his job. He was received a long waited position on the Kelowna Fire Department and we were thrilled! Now we had to put our house up for sale and get ready for a big move to southern BC. Once I knew that we would be moving to Kelowna soon I started to call and email places and specialists in Kelowna to get things started. I reached out to the facility where Harbor would be having her assessment and speech therapists. I also started looking into daycares in Kelowna. We wanted Harbor to go to daycare so she could play with other kids, interact and was hoping it would help her speech delay.

Fast forward a couple months and we moved to Kelowna the end of March 2018. I stopped into the facility where Harbor would have her assessment to see if there was ANYTHING I could do to get an assessment date for her. Nope, she was just still on the waitlist. I started to call every week and ask if they could please put her on a cancellation list. (they probably rolled their eyes when I said my name) JUST in case someone cancelled and I could bring her in. I asked if I could get her paperwork now and get it filled out early. I just wanted to do everything I could to get the ball rolling. I spoke with a lady at a private assessment facility and she was so nice and explained to me that honestly, I should wait for the government paid assessment. She explained that at this point even if we paid for a private assessment they were booking a few months out. I was glad we listened to her and waited because a couple weeks later I received a phone call from the government paid assessment facility and they said, "We have an assessment date booked for Harbor. September 6th at 10am." I was THRILLED. I felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. This was a step in the right direction.

During the months leading up to September 6th Harbor started seeing a private speech therapist. $130 an hour, but it was worth it. She needed to be in speech therapy. She was down to saying zero words. Time is passing and my daughter needed the support.

The night before Harbor's assessment I couldn't sleep. My mind was racing. I was so nervous. It was a bitter sweet feeling though. This was the day we had been waiting for. I was ready for it, but at the same time I wasn't. I was nervous and anxious about how the assessment would go. I was nervous if Harbor would get too freaked out in their office (doctor/business offices freak her out and can make her spin into a meltdown). I was nervous they wouldn't get to see the real Harbor and everything she is capable of and not be able to do an accurate assessment. Sean and I had SO much running through our minds. This was a big day for Harbor and her future.. 

to be continued.

Tongue and Lip Ties

From the moment Cove was born there was something off about his latch. It was very painful (more than the usual), his upper lip was curled under, it was a very shallow latch and he kept coming off of the breast and we would have to latch again. He would latch a little better when I wore a nipple shield, but while nursing it was as if he was chewing instead of sucking. It was very painful! Even when I would think it was a decent latch, he still didn't drain me and I would end up needing to pump and give him a bottle. I tried for about a week, but then realized it just wasn't working (I was getting clogged ducts) and his latch wasn't improving so I started to fully pump.

our sweet boy

When Cove was 3 weeks old we took him to the doctor to get checked for a tongue tie. I had started looking into more information about tongue ties because I came across an article that listed symptoms of a tongue tie and it REALLY sounded like what he had! So I brought him in to get looked at and our doctor said no, he isn't tongue tied. Unfortunately, where I live there aren't many resources for support when it came to breastfeeding. Our local lactation consultant moved away so I would need to travel to make appointments with one in British Columbia.

I kept digging for more information and then came across an article about a lip tie. Again, all of the symptoms listed for a lip tie sounded exactly like what we had been experiencing with Cove! I lifted his lip up and sure enough I could see a lip tie! Now I wasn't 100% because I had never even known about lip ties before but I was pretty damn certain that's what we were dealing with.

Again, I made an appointment with our doctor to get his lip tie looked at but once again I wasn't satisfied with the answer. As my doctor explained it.. in her point of view as his doctor she doesn't see his lip tie as a concern because he is able to eat from a bottle and is gaining weight. BUT from a dentists point of view they might see it as a problem due to their training and concerns. It made sense the way she explained it to me, however I just felt like I couldn't get a straight answer!! It was so frustrating. 

I ended up joining a tongue and lip tie Facebook support group and I was able to reach out and talk with other mom's dealing with the same issue. 

US - https://www.facebook.com/groups/tonguetiebabies/

Canada - https://www.facebook.com/groups/CanadianTongueTieSupport/

I found these support groups very helpful! What I had learned in these groups were that tongue and lip ties are starting to become more well known and more babies are being born with them. It is kind of a controversial subject when it comes to speaking with a doctor about them because many doctors don't have any training on them and it is easy for them to dismiss them. There are lists of preferred providers who are trained on ties and are able to preform revisions on tongue and lip ties. 

You can find your local providers here - https://www.tt-lt-support-network.com

Bottom line. YOU have to do your own research and be the advocate for you baby!! I'll be honest, I still find the whole thing confusing and overwhelming. I have been researching and looking into what to do about Cove's lip tie and went back and forth to whether we needed to see a preferred provider. Since I wasn't nursing I wasn't sure if we still needed to get his lip tie released. We made an appointment with a Dr. Chan in North Vancouver who was listed as a preferred provider. He is a dentist, has further training in ties and with breastfeeding. I had read a lot of good things about him in the support group so I felt good about seeing him and to get some answers.

Vancouver bound

On Monday we flew to Vancouver and I felt very nervous, but at the same time ready to get this appointment over with. Dr. Chan seemed very knowledgeable, took pictures of Cove's lip tie and possible tongue tie and then went into detail to find out information from us about his symptoms. NOW, this is where it started to get confusing to me. Dr. Chan seemed very PRO breastfeeding (which is great) however it seemed he kept going back to the fact that because I am not nursing and Cove is able to get milk from a bottle then he didn't fully see a need to release his lip tie. He explained his point of view, listened to our concerns and then stepped out of the room to let Sean and I discuss and come up with a decision. In that very moment I felt like a lost, confused, unsure, not confident mother. I was hearing what Dr. Chan was saying, BUT because of the fact that Cove wasn't able to nurse I DO see a huge issue. Even when he feeds from a bottle he has a poor latch, pops off, gets extra air, seems to get frustrated while eating, has a huge gap between his front teeth and I don't want to wait and see other issues come in the near future. I have read they can have speech issues and dental issues. So we decided to go through with the procedure. Now I don't want to scare anyone who may be needing to get the procedure done, but it is never fun to hear your baby cry or in pain. Sean said it was probably harder on me than it was on Cove. I had to keep telling myself he won't remember this and why we are doing it.

I have read that MOST lip ties also come with a posterior tongue tie. Again, we have been told he doesn't have a tongue tie, but since he has a lip tie I was still concerned. When Dr. Chan examined Cove's ties I felt as though I couldn't get a straight answer from him! It was kind of frustrating. He kept explaining how everyone is born with some degree of ties, but it depends on the function and symptoms of the ties whether to get the released or not. I get THAT.. but does he have a tongue tie too or not!? He didn't seem concerned about his tongue at all so we only had his lip tie released. 

Sleeping on the plane

Poor baby boy was so tired, uncomfortable and in pain after the procedure

This whole topic gives me a headache to be honest.. One moment I feel like we have done our job with doing the research, seeing a preferred provider, taking his symptoms into consideration and going with what we felt was right, but then I start to worry again. Should I get second opinion for another preferred provider about his tongue?? At this moment in time we just have to focus on Cove healing and continue doing his stretches. (There are lip stretches that need to be done before we feeds to make sure the lip tie doesn't grow back. It isn't very easy or fun to do!)

I wanted to write this blog post just to let other mom's out there know they're not alone, to help give some direction in resources and to also just spread more awareness about ties. I wish so badly I would have known about Cove's lip tie when he was a newborn! I always wonder if I would have been able to nurse him if we would have had his lip tie revised sooner. Hopefully this will all be done and behind us soon and please feel free to reach out to me if you'd like any more information or have any questions! 

xo Ashley

I love my baby, but I hate pumping.

It's kind of funny because I remember when I was nursing Harbor and hear about moms that were exclusively pumping I would think to myself, "There is no way I could do that! I hate pumping. I would be using formula." And now here I am. 

Since the day Cove was born he never had a good latch. In the hospital I had a difficult time trying to get a good latch with him. He always tucked his bottom lip in and it was like he would chew instead of suck while nursing. It was very painful! I tried a nipple shield and it seemed to help him latch a bit better but he just kept pulling off and chewing. It just wasn't working. I tried and I tried and it always ended with both of us just feeling frustrated and overwhelmed. I have to admit I felt defeated. I wanted to be able to nurse Cove SO bad. I was able to nurse my first child, but I won't be able to with my second?! I guess I just never even thought this would be an issue! We had the doctor check to see if he was tongue tied as well. I did a lot of reading about babies who are tongue tied and troubles with latches so I wanted to get him checked out, but no he isn't tongue tied.

So after about a week of trying to nurse, then pumping, and then feeding Cove a bottle I had to just come to terms I wasn't going to be able to nurse him. I started to exclusively pump. I was pumping for 30 minutes every 2-3 hours. It was a full time job! My milk supply came in strong too. I started pumping so much that I would end up just freezing all of my milk from the day because Cove still hadn't even touched the milk that was sitting in the fridge. I was pumping around 60-80 ounces per day.

When Cove was about 8 weeks old we started our summer traveling to visit family and to go to friend's weddings so I did A LOT of pumping on the go.

At the family cabin I was sitting on the deck with my nursing cover on pumping. I was needing to boil my pump parts to make sure they were fully sanitized at the cabin.

I did A LOT of pumping in the car. I was pumping in the passenger seat and rinsing my pump parts with bottled water. I would ask Sean to please not stop right next to a vehicle so they couldn't look over and see me.

The most challenging moment I had with pumping was when we flew down to Minnesota. We checked into our hotel room and MAYBE got 3 hours of sleep (not recommended with a newborn and toddler!) and then had to check in for our next flight at 4am. I REALLY needed to pump. I was in pain. I planned on pumping while waiting at the gate for our next flight, but we didn't have enough time! So I ended up pumping on the plane. I managed to hold Cove in one arm and to pump one boob with the other. It was NOT easy, but my boobs were like rocks and I had to pump! One of the flight attendance came by and said to me, "Now that's a good mom right there!" and winked at me. I needed to hear that cause in that moment I was so exhausted, in pain and was on the verge of tears.

While at the Minnesota State Fair I couldn't find an area exclusively for nursing mothers so I sat at a table in the beer garden, sipped on a beer and pumped. I didn't even care if I looked silly with my nursing cover over my double pump sticking out off of my boobs. I didn't want to be in pain the whole time at the fair.

When we would fly back from our trips I had to check in a cooler filled with frozen breastmilk. One time while checking in our bags a customer service agent said, "This whole bag is frozen breastmilk?" and I replied, "Yes." The look on her face was so surprised haha. Yes lady, that is 25 pounds of liquid gold! Please tag it correctly to my final destination!

During all of this time of pumping while traveling I really think it made it more difficult. To always make sure I had my pump charged, pump parts cleaned, milk storage bags on hand, the little cooler with a freezer pack inside of it and clean water to wash the parts with...
I just wanted to be done.

The other thing that makes pumping so difficult is have a crazy, busy, active toddler!! I have to strategize when I am going to pump to make sure Harbor is content and not going to get into anything. I usually try to pump when she is in her booster seat eating and Cove is content in the mamaroo. Otherwise, Harbor would most likely be getting into something she shouldn't, I chase after her, bend over, spill milk everywhere and then I just want to lose it!

Harbor also likes to snuggle while I pump for some reason which isn't very easy to do!


I debated non stop about being done pumping. One day I would feel good about it and tell myself, "No, I can do this. I want Cove to get my breastmilk. I'm not ready to stop." Other days I would be telling myself, "UGH I am so over pumping. I want to start weaning and just be done."

Why is it so hard for us mothers to be okay with the decision to be done breastfeeding? It's like we have a goal in mind of how long we will nurse for (I told myself 6 months) and if we don't meet that goal we have failed. It is hard to describe how torn I have been feeling about pumping and being done with it. Sean has reassured me that I have done such a good job with exclusively pumping and that I have so much frozen milk to use that it is okay to stop. And I agree with him.. but I also feel like Cove is only a baby for so long and that this is my duty as a mother to produce milk for him! It is a short chunk of my life to make the sacrifice of pumping. So this is why I end up going back and forth!

So here I am about 4.5 months postpartum and still pumping. I am down to pumping 3 times a day at least. We bought a deep freezer and it is STUFFED full of frozen breastmilk. I have been starting to use the frozen milk and then freezing the newly pumped milk. I recently feel like I have come to terms with being done, but now I just don't know how to stop! Every time I try to stop I end up with mastitis :( I just have to slowly but surely wean and eventually I will be done pumping. Until then, I will be pumpin away!

** Just yesterday I stumbled upon an article about a tongue tie vs lip tie and I wish I would have seen it sooner! I strongly believe Cove has a lip tie on his upper lip. I am making an appointment with our doctor and going to look further into it. I will post an update about it!

Here is the article if you're interested in reading it https://www.mommypotamus.com/a-step-by-step-guide-to-diagnosing-tongue-ties/


xo Ashley