I love my baby, but I hate pumping.

It's kind of funny because I remember when I was nursing Harbor and hear about moms that were exclusively pumping I would think to myself, "There is no way I could do that! I hate pumping. I would be using formula." And now here I am. 

Since the day Cove was born he never had a good latch. In the hospital I had a difficult time trying to get a good latch with him. He always tucked his bottom lip in and it was like he would chew instead of suck while nursing. It was very painful! I tried a nipple shield and it seemed to help him latch a bit better but he just kept pulling off and chewing. It just wasn't working. I tried and I tried and it always ended with both of us just feeling frustrated and overwhelmed. I have to admit I felt defeated. I wanted to be able to nurse Cove SO bad. I was able to nurse my first child, but I won't be able to with my second?! I guess I just never even thought this would be an issue! We had the doctor check to see if he was tongue tied as well. I did a lot of reading about babies who are tongue tied and troubles with latches so I wanted to get him checked out, but no he isn't tongue tied.

So after about a week of trying to nurse, then pumping, and then feeding Cove a bottle I had to just come to terms I wasn't going to be able to nurse him. I started to exclusively pump. I was pumping for 30 minutes every 2-3 hours. It was a full time job! My milk supply came in strong too. I started pumping so much that I would end up just freezing all of my milk from the day because Cove still hadn't even touched the milk that was sitting in the fridge. I was pumping around 60-80 ounces per day.

When Cove was about 8 weeks old we started our summer traveling to visit family and to go to friend's weddings so I did A LOT of pumping on the go.

At the family cabin I was sitting on the deck with my nursing cover on pumping. I was needing to boil my pump parts to make sure they were fully sanitized at the cabin.

I did A LOT of pumping in the car. I was pumping in the passenger seat and rinsing my pump parts with bottled water. I would ask Sean to please not stop right next to a vehicle so they couldn't look over and see me.

The most challenging moment I had with pumping was when we flew down to Minnesota. We checked into our hotel room and MAYBE got 3 hours of sleep (not recommended with a newborn and toddler!) and then had to check in for our next flight at 4am. I REALLY needed to pump. I was in pain. I planned on pumping while waiting at the gate for our next flight, but we didn't have enough time! So I ended up pumping on the plane. I managed to hold Cove in one arm and to pump one boob with the other. It was NOT easy, but my boobs were like rocks and I had to pump! One of the flight attendance came by and said to me, "Now that's a good mom right there!" and winked at me. I needed to hear that cause in that moment I was so exhausted, in pain and was on the verge of tears.

While at the Minnesota State Fair I couldn't find an area exclusively for nursing mothers so I sat at a table in the beer garden, sipped on a beer and pumped. I didn't even care if I looked silly with my nursing cover over my double pump sticking out off of my boobs. I didn't want to be in pain the whole time at the fair.

When we would fly back from our trips I had to check in a cooler filled with frozen breastmilk. One time while checking in our bags a customer service agent said, "This whole bag is frozen breastmilk?" and I replied, "Yes." The look on her face was so surprised haha. Yes lady, that is 25 pounds of liquid gold! Please tag it correctly to my final destination!

During all of this time of pumping while traveling I really think it made it more difficult. To always make sure I had my pump charged, pump parts cleaned, milk storage bags on hand, the little cooler with a freezer pack inside of it and clean water to wash the parts with...
I just wanted to be done.

The other thing that makes pumping so difficult is have a crazy, busy, active toddler!! I have to strategize when I am going to pump to make sure Harbor is content and not going to get into anything. I usually try to pump when she is in her booster seat eating and Cove is content in the mamaroo. Otherwise, Harbor would most likely be getting into something she shouldn't, I chase after her, bend over, spill milk everywhere and then I just want to lose it!

Harbor also likes to snuggle while I pump for some reason which isn't very easy to do!


I debated non stop about being done pumping. One day I would feel good about it and tell myself, "No, I can do this. I want Cove to get my breastmilk. I'm not ready to stop." Other days I would be telling myself, "UGH I am so over pumping. I want to start weaning and just be done."

Why is it so hard for us mothers to be okay with the decision to be done breastfeeding? It's like we have a goal in mind of how long we will nurse for (I told myself 6 months) and if we don't meet that goal we have failed. It is hard to describe how torn I have been feeling about pumping and being done with it. Sean has reassured me that I have done such a good job with exclusively pumping and that I have so much frozen milk to use that it is okay to stop. And I agree with him.. but I also feel like Cove is only a baby for so long and that this is my duty as a mother to produce milk for him! It is a short chunk of my life to make the sacrifice of pumping. So this is why I end up going back and forth!

So here I am about 4.5 months postpartum and still pumping. I am down to pumping 3 times a day at least. We bought a deep freezer and it is STUFFED full of frozen breastmilk. I have been starting to use the frozen milk and then freezing the newly pumped milk. I recently feel like I have come to terms with being done, but now I just don't know how to stop! Every time I try to stop I end up with mastitis :( I just have to slowly but surely wean and eventually I will be done pumping. Until then, I will be pumpin away!

** Just yesterday I stumbled upon an article about a tongue tie vs lip tie and I wish I would have seen it sooner! I strongly believe Cove has a lip tie on his upper lip. I am making an appointment with our doctor and going to look further into it. I will post an update about it!

Here is the article if you're interested in reading it https://www.mommypotamus.com/a-step-by-step-guide-to-diagnosing-tongue-ties/


xo Ashley

Cove's Birth Story

Wednesday, June 14th 2017

That evening I worked my last shift at WestJet and my sister flew in on our flight! I was SO excited for that flight to get in! Once my sister arrived and I got to hug her I instantly felt relieved and ready for baby boy to make his arrival. That was one of my biggest worries before I went into labor was thinking of who was going to watch Harbor for us. Something you don't have to think about with the birth of you first baby! So knowing that my sister was here and that I had just finished my last day of work I felt ready to have this baby!

Thursday, June 15th 2017

Thursday morning I had a membrane sweep scheduled with the OBGYN. I had purposely pushed the sweep back until my sister was in town JUST in case it actually did put me into labor. My sister, Chelsea stayed home with Harbor while Sean and I went to the appointment. Holy CRAP. That sweep was like no sweep I have ever had before! It literally took me off the table, made my eyes water and took my breath away. The OBGYN wasn't messing around. After the appointment I even told Sean, "If that sweep doesn't make me go into labor than I don't know what will!"

An hour later I had a hair appointment (it was the ONLY day I could get in and I desperately needed my hair done so had to do it!) I even joked telling my hair gal that I apologize in advance if my water breaks in her chair haha I was so uncomfortable and was in pain.. I felt beat up down there.

Later that evening my sister and I took Harbor to the park and I kept telling Chels that I just didn't feel the best. When we got back home I laid down on the couch and took a little nap. I just felt kind of off and sick. We had dinner, put Harbor down for bed and then washed up for bed myself. That night Sean slept in the guest room so my sister and I could sleep together (we always stay up late talking and catching up). 

10:00 pm

I started to get some stronger contractions. "A good one" is what I always say when I have to close my eyes and breathe through the pain! After laying in bed and chatting for a while Chelsea dozed off, but I just couldn't sleep through the contractions. I ended up waking her up once they seemed closer together. Chelsea timed them and said, "Yeah they are like 3 minutes apart Ash! You should fix up, do what you need to do before heading into the hospital and I will go wake up Sean." She was right.. while brushing my teeth and grabbing my stuff the contractions got WAY more intense. Before we headed out the door I tip toed into Harbor's room and rubbed her head and said bye. (I couldn't lean over her crib anymore to kiss her with my huge belly!) While walking to the garage I started to tear up.. Harbor won't be my only baby anymore and I already felt like I missed her. I felt a mix of emotions I just couldn't explain. 

Friday, June 16th 2017

2:50 am

When we got to the hospital they checked me and I was at about 3 cm dilated. My contractions were about 3 minutes apart. I was given a shot of Morphine/Gravol to help with the pain a bit. I honestly didn't feel like it helped at all. It made me feel a bit tired, but that was it. Sean walked the halls with me and I also labored on an exercise ball until the nurse came in to check me again. 

4:00 am

I was 4 cm dilated and contractions were still strong so they admitted me and we checked in to room #3. Once we got into our room Sean ran the bath for me and I labored in the bath. I felt calm and focused in the bath. Sean played the music playlist that I had created (it was actually the playlist I created for Harbor's labor and delivery but I never used it) and it was so nice to try and relax, listen to the music and focus on it. I felt like that really made a difference for me. It was peaceful and exactly what I was hoping for.

6:00 am

My nurse came in to check on me and said I should hop out of the bath so they can check me again. I was 6 cm dilated and baby boy had dropped a lot lower. I then stayed out of the bath for the rest of my laboring. At this point I started inhaling Entinox (laughing gas) to help me breathe during contractions. The laughing gas definitely didn't take the pain away, but helped me focus on my deep breathing. When we first had checked into the hospital I was very honest and open with my nurse about my birth with my first child and how anxious and nervous I was about this delivery. I told her this time around I am definitely open to having an epidural. She was very positive and kept reminding me that it was going to be a different scenario this time around and that I CAN do it. I appreciated her positivity and I remember just telling myself that, "I CAN do this!"

6:24 am

8 cm dilated

8:10 am

9 cm dilated 

9:24 am

My water still hadn't broke so the doctor said if it didn't soon he would break it. I started receiving doses of Fentanyl to help with pain. I started to doze off in-between contractions. 

10:34 am

I was fully dilated, the doctor broke my water and I started pushing. No more Fentanyl or laughing gas could be given.

While pushing I tried in multiple different positions. Laying on my back, kneeling and hugging the back of the bed, standing and wrapping my arms around Sean, squatting on the side of the bed and even sitting on the toilet. I didn't really find one position more effective than another so I ended up laying on the bed for the most part. Sean kept giving me juice to sip on and kept putting cool cloths on me from the freezer that my sister had previously made up and froze. The cloths were frozen with water and lavender oil in them. I do remember them feeling really good in the moment cause i was really hot and sweating.  I remember asking Sean and the nurses over and over if I was making progress. During the excruciating pain I needed to hear that I was getting somewhere! They did say I was making progress and that baby boy's head was crowning and the had dark hair! 

11:00am 

My nurse said to me, "He is right there Ashley! You will have baby boy in your arms by 11:15am!" and I couldn't believe that she really thought I was going to push this baby out within 15 minutes!

12:00 pm

Still pushing... 

12:30pm

I was still pushing, but baby boy was now stuck and I wasn't making progress. :( The nurses were calling my doctor, but just my luck he was in the middle of a c-section! This was the part of the delivery that felt like it took forever. I was in SO much pain, felt so much pressure and kept pushing, but baby boy wasn't moving! It was awful. I remember at this point feeling so weak and telling Sean that I didn't think I could go any longer.

1:20pm

My doctor finally arrived and explained to me that he would be using a vacuum to help get baby boy out. I pushed while he pulled and oh my gosh I just wanted baby boy to be out!! The doctor told me he was going to need to do an episiotomy.. When he told me that I really started to panic. After a few more contractions...

1:37pm

Cove was born!

7lbs 13oz

21.25"

My sweet baby boy has arrived! Such a surreal moment holding your baby for the first time. I was so in love and so relieved!

So later on when the doctor came into our room to come check on Cove and I he explained to me that he had actually pushed back his scheduled surgery because he had thought I was going to be delivering right away when I was making progress, but as my progression slowed down he wasn't able to push back the c-section any further! He also explained the anesthesiologist was tied up with him during the c-section so when I was asking for an epidural (after pushing for 2 hours) I wasn't able to get one! This was the hardest part about the delivery.. I felt as though everything went pretty smooth up until he got stuck and I wasn't making any progress. I asked for an epidural but I kept being told, "He is RIGHT there Ashley! You can do this!" but he didn't come right away! It was very frustrating and in the moment I felt so defeated. The doctor also explained to me that he didn't leave his c-section to assist me because both baby and I had good vitals. 

Proud dada!

Meeting auntie!

Meeting his big sister!

My recovery after Cove's birth was much better than my recovery with Harbor (thank you God). I did have an episiotomy but I didn't tear any further. I was happy the laboring went pretty smoothly, but I would be lying if I said the delivery was easier.. the long hours of pushing and him needing to be vacuumed out made me feel disappointed, BUT I have a healthy beautiful baby boy and it was all worth it!

xo

10 Signs You're a Long Distance Auntie

Even with my sister and I living in different countries and thousands of miles apart our relationship is still as close as can be! Now to see her have a special bond with my daughter is absolutely one of the best things ever. She loves and spoils Harbor as if she were her own and I am so thankful for that! So here's a little post dedicated to the best auntie in the world.. even if you live way too far away.. 

10 Signs You're a Long Distance Auntie 

1. You request Snapchats all day, every day of your niece/nephew! If you DON'T receive snaps throughout the day you WILL let mom and dad know they're on your shit list.

2. You Skype with your niece/nephew any chance you can get. 

3. Your shopping cart at Target is filled with baby items and there is no doubt while checking out the cashier thinks you are buying it all for your own child.

4. Your social media accounts are filled with mom bloggers, children boutiques and giveaways for baby products.

5. You mail goodies in the mail to your niece/nephew just because! 

6. You have a permanent carseat in your backseat of your vehicle.

7. You talk to your friends about your niece/nephew like they're your own child to brag about.

8. You log into the nursery Nest camera account to peek at your sweet niece/nephew while they're sleeping JUST to get a little glimpse of them at the end of the day.

9. Your home is completely baby proofed, there's a highchair sitting in the closet, there's a shelf in the pantry filled with baby food and a full bin of toys/diapers ready for the next visit!

10. You work your butt off to be able to take time off work, purchase plane tickets and come visit your niece/nephew because it means the world to you to be with them!

xoxo

Bumpdate: 21 Weeks

And just like that I am half way there! It really is true what they say about your second pregnancy going by even faster. I feel like before we know it baby boy is going to be here!

We had our 20 week ultrasound last week and it was so amazing to see baby moving around in there. It was for sure confirmed baby is still a BOY! He was moving his arms and legs around, sucking on his thumb and opening his mouth. It is just truly a miracle. 

Baby boy is measuring just a bit over average. 

(Oh PLEASE don't be another almost 10 pounder! haha) 

We have a new due date: June 24, 2017!

We will be meeting baby boy even sooner :)

There are definitely some things that are different this time around compared to when I was pregnant with Harbor. The biggest thing is obviously being more busy with taking care of a busy toddler and not being able to relax or nap when I would like to. I kept a journal during my pregnancy with Harbor and I wrote down a lot. I do currently write in a journal for the 2nd pregnancy, but I am for sure finding it more difficult to find the time to write everything down! I will try my best though. 

I thought it would be fun to do a little comparison of my pregnancy with Harbor and this second pregnancy so far!

Harbor- H    Baby Boy- B

Finding Out the News

H- 5 weeks, boobs KILLED & certain smells would really gross me out

B- 5 weeks, period symptoms.. not really any big signs

First Time Hearing Baby's Heartbeat

H- 9 weeks at the Drs office on ultrasound

B- 11 weeks at the Drs office on ultrasound

Food Cravings/Aversions

H- carbs + fruit through the whole pregnancy

I couldn't eat salad or vegetables!

B- carbs at the beginning + right now currently craving caesar salad quite often

No food aversions thank goodness! 

Bump Showing

H- I think I started showing around 16 weeks. Carried high.

B- I felt like since the day I found out I was pregnant! You really do start to show sooner with baby #2! I was almost worried at the beginning about how big I looked and how we hadn't told anyone the news yet. I think my belly started growing really fast at the beginning, but has slowed down a bit now. Carrying lower.

First Time Feeling Baby Move 

H- 18 weeks

B- 20 weeks 

I found this kind of interesting. I thought for sure I would be able to feel baby #2 sooner than when I did with Harbor since I knew what to expect! Guess not.

Nursery Prep

H- I was planning her nursery since the day we found out we were having a girl!

B- I haven't even thought about the nursery yet. Better get on it!

Bump Pictures

H- I took a weekly bump picture at first, but then every couple of weeks

B- I have only taken 2 so far. Seriously the days fly by!

Nerves + Stress

H- I was pretty stressed out about having everything we needed for Harbor and wanting to get the nursery ready. Labor scared me, but I just kept thinking I can do it!

B- Definitely feeling more relaxed since we have all of the main baby items that are needed. Unfortunately, baby boy is going to be using a lot of pink colored items ;) We will have to sit down and make a list of things that we do need for him though. I am so scared of labor this time around. Some moms say they didn't feel as nervous the second time around since they knew what to expect, but I will be honest.. I am scared shitless. After having a pretty traumatic delivery with Harbor I am really nervous for baby boy's entrance into the world. I am just praying it will be a smoother delivery!

I am beyond excited to meet baby boy. I am also really excited to see how Harbor is with him. She will be 19 months old when her baby brother is born so I am not sure if she will be old enough to fully understand, but I really look forward to seeing their bond. Sometimes I do find myself thinking about how once baby boy arrives Harbor won't be the center of our attention anymore.. and it kind of makes me sad. That's normal right? It just kind breaks my heart thinking of my baby girl not being the baby anymore! Well, in the mean time I am going to enjoy my time with Harbor as the only child and enjoy the wonderful movements in my belly from her little brother.

xo Ashley