Let me just start out with saying I can't believe my baby girl is going to be 5 months old soon! I know everyone tells you how much time flies when you have a baby, but seriously I feel like I don't have a little baby anymore! I couldn't be more in love with our sweet Harbor. She has shown me a kind of love that I never even knew existed. Obviously with her being my first child I am learning everything as I go. Being a new mom is filled with a lot of excitement, nervousness, anxiousness, sad tears, happy tears, smiles, tiredness, lack of control and self-doubt. Oh the amount of self-doubt and second guessing you do as a new mom...
My last photo taken while pregnant! I went into labor the next night.
Today there are so many opinions out there it is hard to not take into account everyone's views. As a new mom I have found myself googling questions ever since the very beginning when I found out I was pregnant! (Google can be good, but gosh sometimes it's just best not to Google it!) You can read a hundred different answers for something and find yourself overwhelmed and confused! Besides peoples opinions it is also hard not to compare your baby to other babies. You hear a baby the same age as yours is able to hold her head up already or another baby is rolling over, but your baby hasn't rolled over yet. Well how come my baby isn't doing that yet? Is something wrong with my baby? Am I not doing something right as a mom? Self-doubt and second guessing kicks in. It is all very new to us first time moms so it is no surprise that we may lack confidence right away, but man oh man sometimes it is really hard to trust your gut and remind yourself that you are doing a great job! You have to sometimes ignore what you read or hear and just remember you're the mommy and you know best.
Ever since we left the hospital Harbor's weight has been a concern. She was born a chunky baby, but she isn't anymore. We have had many doctor appointments to keep an eye on her weight and to make sure she is gaining. One week the doctor is happy with her weight gain, but the next she is concerned again. I felt like all I did (and still do) is sit and feed her! Where the heck is all of the milk going?! The week I had mastitis back in February Harbor lost a pound. I felt awful. We had been trying to make her gain weight not lose it! We made another doctor appointment and I was dreading it. The doctor recommended starting Harbor on formula as well as breastfeeding. I felt like a failure. It's hard to explain unless you have breastfed before, but when all I do is feed my baby, but it still isn't good enough it made me feel like I didn't do my job correctly. And that was hard to hear. I obviously want to do what's best for my baby so of course I was okay with starting her on formula, but again as a mom it made me have a lot of self-doubt.
So still our days are filled with feeding, feeding and more feeding. Breastfeeding and then bottle feeding. Harbor started to throw up quite a bit so I have been trying to do smaller feeds more frequently throughout the day to see if that helps her not throw up as much. So far it does seem to be helping. It can be hard sometimes when I hear what other babies weigh that are the same age as her and to not compare. You read what the average weight is for a baby her age, but she's smaller. I have to remind myself that she is happy and healthy and all babies are different. She is a pretty tall baby (27 inches) so I can't help, but think it is just her body type. Little string bean. I don't want to feel nervous every time we go to the doctors and place her on the scale, holding my breath to see what number pops up on the screen.
After this past month I feel like I have finally gotten to the place of not just looking at the numbers, but overall looking at how healthy and happy my baby girl is! I know she is fed lots, I know she is happy and I know starting her on formula was best for her. So whether it be breastmilk, formula or both, my baby girl is being fed and slowly, but surely gaining weight. That reassures me I am doing the right thing.
Another thing that is hard for me to believe is that our fur baby, Lilly has been gone for 2 months now. She was my first baby and there isn't a day goes by that I don't think about her. Speaking about trusting your decisions as a mommy... The decision to put Lilly down was by far the hardest decision my husband and I have ever had to make. Lilly was diagnosed with IMHA and declined very quickly. She received 3 blood transfusions, was on a lot of medications and nothing was helping her poor little body. Over the last 2 weeks of her life we were at the vet clinic everyday. Sometimes multiple times a day. After Lilly received her 3rd blood transfusion her red blood cell count was dropping again and the vet told us she would need another blood transfusion. This was the first time in our vet's voice I could hear she didn't feel confident in doing another transfusion. Each blood transfusion was only getting Lilly by another day. Lilly was so weak and lethargic. She was now starting to not eat and I had to hand feed her little pieces. It was just breaking my heart.
The first time meeting my sweet Lilly!
I will never forget standing in the vet's office feeling so defeated. Sean and I both knew what the vet was saying. She just couldn't say the exact words. We felt as though Lilly's body stopped fighting and now it was time for us to stop fighting as well. Knowing that we did everything possible. I just couldn't even wrap my mind around the fact that this was happening. When we were told Lilly was sick I just automatically thought she would get better.
On our way home from the vet we enjoyed our last car ride with Lilly. She loved car rides. We went through the McDonald's drive thru and got her a burger, fries and ice cream. (She licked the ice cream a little, but that was it) While we were sitting at home with her we gave her some wine too. She loved wine just like her mommy. I remember I couldn't stop glancing at the clock. The vet was coming to our house at 9pm so Lilly could pass peacefully in our home with us. I felt numb. I felt defeated, angry, sad, devastated, scared and so unsure if we were making the right decision. I was bawling when the vet got to our house and the first thing I even said to her was, "Are we making the right decision?" She reassured us that we were and you could just tell by the sound of her voice that she 100% knew that this was best for Lilly.
It was the hardest night of my life thus far... If only love would have been enough to save her, she would still be with us today. She was so much more than just a dog. She had been with Sean and me through so many memories and even through some difficult times. Not having family or many friends while living in Canada she was my best friend. She was taken way too soon. I have to remind myself that Lilly is no longer in pain and is running free in Heaven. She taught me so much and I am so grateful to have had her as my fur baby.
As I gained my first child, I lost my first fur baby. My heart was filled, yet so broken at the same time. Both of my babies have taught me so much and I have to always remind myself to stay confident in my decisions. After all, moms know best.. right?
RIP
Lilly Diva Murphy
xoxo
Ashley
After this past month I feel like I have finally gotten to the place of not just looking at the numbers, but overall looking at how healthy and happy my baby girl is! I know she is fed lots, I know she is happy and I know starting her on formula was best for her. So whether it be breastmilk, formula or both, my baby girl is being fed and slowly, but surely gaining weight. That reassures me I am doing the right thing.
Another thing that is hard for me to believe is that our fur baby, Lilly has been gone for 2 months now. She was my first baby and there isn't a day goes by that I don't think about her. Speaking about trusting your decisions as a mommy... The decision to put Lilly down was by far the hardest decision my husband and I have ever had to make. Lilly was diagnosed with IMHA and declined very quickly. She received 3 blood transfusions, was on a lot of medications and nothing was helping her poor little body. Over the last 2 weeks of her life we were at the vet clinic everyday. Sometimes multiple times a day. After Lilly received her 3rd blood transfusion her red blood cell count was dropping again and the vet told us she would need another blood transfusion. This was the first time in our vet's voice I could hear she didn't feel confident in doing another transfusion. Each blood transfusion was only getting Lilly by another day. Lilly was so weak and lethargic. She was now starting to not eat and I had to hand feed her little pieces. It was just breaking my heart.
The first time meeting my sweet Lilly!
I will never forget standing in the vet's office feeling so defeated. Sean and I both knew what the vet was saying. She just couldn't say the exact words. We felt as though Lilly's body stopped fighting and now it was time for us to stop fighting as well. Knowing that we did everything possible. I just couldn't even wrap my mind around the fact that this was happening. When we were told Lilly was sick I just automatically thought she would get better.
On our way home from the vet we enjoyed our last car ride with Lilly. She loved car rides. We went through the McDonald's drive thru and got her a burger, fries and ice cream. (She licked the ice cream a little, but that was it) While we were sitting at home with her we gave her some wine too. She loved wine just like her mommy. I remember I couldn't stop glancing at the clock. The vet was coming to our house at 9pm so Lilly could pass peacefully in our home with us. I felt numb. I felt defeated, angry, sad, devastated, scared and so unsure if we were making the right decision. I was bawling when the vet got to our house and the first thing I even said to her was, "Are we making the right decision?" She reassured us that we were and you could just tell by the sound of her voice that she 100% knew that this was best for Lilly.
It was the hardest night of my life thus far... If only love would have been enough to save her, she would still be with us today. She was so much more than just a dog. She had been with Sean and me through so many memories and even through some difficult times. Not having family or many friends while living in Canada she was my best friend. She was taken way too soon. I have to remind myself that Lilly is no longer in pain and is running free in Heaven. She taught me so much and I am so grateful to have had her as my fur baby.
As I gained my first child, I lost my first fur baby. My heart was filled, yet so broken at the same time. Both of my babies have taught me so much and I have to always remind myself to stay confident in my decisions. After all, moms know best.. right?
RIP
Lilly Diva Murphy
xoxo
Ashley
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